Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place, like, somehow you just don't belong and no one understands you?

The first time I heard that song, I thought I found that one song to describe my life, and those lines best summarize it all.

Yes, I still struggle to find my place in this society. Whether at home, work, in the congregation, or anywhere I go, I really feel that everyone is avoiding me as if I have an infectious disease.

Yes, at home. Who wouldn't thought you'd be out of place at home. During the last trip I had with them, my parents made me realize how good they are at making someone feel so alone. They always wanted to invite her, and I don't feel bad about it, but it has become like that every single trip that they often go out in pairs, always leaving me behind, alone. That is why I've decided that if they want to go on a trip with her, I'd rather not join. (Travel tip: never ever travel in odd numbers.) Nothing against her, but I really hate that feeling seeing them happy, in pairs. Which is why I told myself that I'd rather go on a trip with my friends, which still seems pretty impossible.

Hi! I'm Katreena. Twenty-five years of age, turning 26 in a couple of weeks, yet I can't step out of the house without permission from my parents.

Yeah. I am that young adult who is still living with my parents. Got lucky a bit to be allowed to rent out an apartment with my colleagues, (but only allowed to stay there four days a week), and still needs permission from my parents.

It is that very reason why I can't keep friends that long. I have friends. I do! And having friends means getting invitations to go out, eat, drink, or just get a nice catch up in the nearest coffee shop, which is just five minutes away. And every single time I ask them, they always reply with a no.

Come on! It's not like I'm going to spend a whole night in the coffee shop! Plus I'm spending my own money anyway. Other parents even give their kids younger my age some money to chill!

So that's the reason why I love spending nights in the apartment. I get to go home anytime I want. I can go anywhere I want. And I can do anything I want. Plus a bonus of no one nagging.

Don't tell me to try and talk to them about this, because I did. For a million times, I tried to talk to them. And they always reply with "We are doing this for your own safety", "We do this because we love you." And all the reasons boils down to religion stuff.

I was told to make friends in the congregation. That the best friends can be found in the congregation. I tried too! I used to have friends. But all of them either just come and go and I'm not allowed to catch up, or they find a new set of friends because I'm not allowed to go out with them. I hate going on get-togethers because even though I know everyone around, I am still left sitting by myself. No, even when I'm sitting in a group, you can feel that you're still alone because the things they are talking about are the things only them know. To be honest, I feel relieved that no one is inviting me for a get-together, and that I am unavailable when they invite me for one.

But it doesn't end there. I still seem to struggle finding my spot at work. Everyone has their own to-go friend. Like, someone whom they always go out with during lunch, or downtime. I have one. But I seem to be that someone whom can easily be replaced. Like, just because I can't be contacted thru IM doesn't mean I cannot be reached. What about going up, tap me and ask me if I'm available, just like what I do when I want to go out. I don't think it's my fault that I don't have IM access, right?

Do you now understand why I wanted to just die instead? I don't want to continue living in this world struggling to find my place. At least I know what'll happen to me when I die. No one will be affected when I'm gone anyway. People who knew me will just continue living their own lives, just how they live theirs when I'm alive.

I tried suicide. But I can't. I don't have the courage to cut myself. I don't want to die in pain. I want to die in sleep, or get hit by something and instantly die.

But of course, I can't manipulate things for it to happen. So while I'm living, I'd try to make lasting friendships and connect with people I already know. Let's see if that happens this year.

But if not, my greatest wish is to die at 30. Sounds creepy? I don't know. I actually find death comforting. For me, death is a friend. Death is life's way to release humans off the chains of problems, letting them escape this cruel reality and rest in peace.

The fact that I posted this online me just means I have no one to talk to. And I have no plans of removing this post even when I'm already okay, because I'm never going to be okay. I just always put on an "I'm okay" smile, but deep inside I just really want to die. I'm tired of living in this world.

You don't know what it's like to be like me. You have no idea of what I'm going through. No, this is not a hormonal thing. This is just a glimpse of all the emotions bottled up in the last 25 years.